My life has me signing, sealing, and delivering this letter of resignation.

Resigning from everything I seem to feel is holding me back.

But I am horrible at learning how to let these things go.

I woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed today.
Happens almost everyday.

Finding happiness professionally has been more ideal than happiness personally these days.

How is it that life has reached such things.

I think it’s because I hold so much discomfort towards so many little things in this year.

This year has only just begun. And this year has an expectation from me to have it be better than the year that I even hate whispering the number of.

I hate whispering that number so much but love drowning myself in memories of it.

So much being that I decide to look at pictures of someone almost every day.
This someone now has and wants nothing to do with me.

I also am losing touch with anyone and everyone who meant everything.

Friends of mine said to be best friends are learning how to forget me and I can’t even fathom the thought of never knowing them.

Who knows where we’ll end up.

As hard as I am trying to move on I am still wondering.
I’ll play these what ifs til my death

Best frienemy

I am discovering I must be disillusioned by what I think my relationships and importance within my friendships are.
Not only within my relationships with men romantically but in every relationship I am finding I am nothing but a mere convenience.
Months from now will you remember me. Will you wonder how I am as I wonder how you are my friends. I wish you safe travels. And knowing how I am I will try to check up on you during them and hope for a response
Some days maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. But when I really think about these things I realize it is so much more than that at times.
There is proof to make such things facts.
Truly I want nothing more for things to be the way they were. Why can I just not stomach that they will not be that.
Change has come and I have no welcoming still for it.
Please don’t think I am unhappy for the things you are all getting in your lives. I just wish I could be apart of those lives.
For now I will stick to my books and music that floods my ears.

Inspiration

I fell in love with you in the spring of 2007

Loved you for more than two years.

I will love you for more years.

In the summer of 2009 I fell in love with her.

At least I thought I was in love with her.

I wanted to hold her hand. Cuddle with her. Impress her.

I asked her once to be my date. Mildly joking. She told me I had to court her. Real classic romantic things. Even ask her father for permission. I tried. Then life caught up to me.

The first month of 2010 came. And oddly enough she told me something.
Something involving you.

See in the fall of 2009 right before I told you “I love you and care about you” ; I discovered the two of you knew each other.

I lost you when I told you I loved you and cared about you. But I was already loosing you. You had regretted this love affair for so long. When I lost you I told her.

But this something was that she likes you.

And you like her.

She told truths of how nothing had happened and how you guys truly were nothing.

But she felt the need to tell me. Considering I had told her all about you.
Loving you. Hating loving you. Missing you.
She didn't want to lose me just because of you.

Now I lay here struggling. Struggling to not lose another tear because of you.

Struggling to forget all about you. I want to be happy for you.

But I can’t do that for you.

Now I fear I’ll lose another to you.

I may not love her the way that applied with you but I’ve lost so much to you.

I lost my heart to you in 2007. I want nothing more than to have it back from you

Please don’t make me lose a friend because you had to hold my hand.

RollHer CoastHer

You know when I look in the mirror at these eyelashes that are caked with mascara I remember what smiling feels like.
Lady let your jealousy ensue, but remind you, I do not hate you, I do not grudge you.
Respect, question it when you HAVE actually given it.
Must be beautiful to be that blind about a true friendship.
Blinded by hate.
But can you say why.
Today may just be the breaking day.
You turn the day from a spring sunshine good beat morning to the darkest Alaskan afternoon.
Put a block in the track with us in the cart.
About to drop.
Watch it vier off and two innocent souls tumble out.
See how accomplished you feel then.
I could only pray the guilt would eat you alive from the murder you are attempting to commit.

Vacation.

I just saw the most breath taking photo. Doing things I shouldn’t be doing caused me to see this photo. Heart sank.

Sank deep into this pit and then shot right up into the throat. Oh how sick these moments make one feel.

Happiness was in hand. Then you, I saw you. And it all fell apart. Why am I struggling so hard at getting back my heart. Why.

Circumstances have it that a stadium, a book, a bed, a statue, a shirt, shoes, many pairs of shoes remind me of you. That is why. And truth be told there is so much more than those things that remind me of you.

All those vacations you’ve gotten to have. And all these vacations I haven’t gotten to have. I hate you for being so beautiful to me. Please just get out of me.

I want to go where you’ve been. I want to go where you haven’t ruined.

The things I had felt lately had nothing to do with you. I had been loving forgetting you. Once again I am thinking too much of you.

I was learning to love this city again. Now I don’t even want to feel it’s air on my skin. All because of this one breath taking photo by you.

You and your vacations.

Inamorato

Dearest Love
Remember how we used to spend all those times together pretending like everything was more than it truly was.
A holiday has made things sink right in.
Not in a way of discomfort or sadness.
I don’t even know who you are.
You meant so much to me and I meant so little to you.
Little maybe even nothing.
Nothing.
Odd how I made you everything.
Everything.
So as much as I want to pretend like I hope you’re happy and I’m just too good for you, I know that these statements are lies. But that’s what we do with each other. We lie.
Lie. Lie to ourselves even. Maybe not you but I do. I lie and say maybe one day you’ll get it. Lie and say it meant something more to you than what it did.
Lord I sure must be sick in the head.
Dearest Love the things that you do.