S.A.D.

Maybe my fears are what have come to tear us down
Such insecurities I've been wanting to overcome
I promised I wouldn't let them run this
But promises are meant to be broken I guess
I love you more than the sun itself
Must be what got me here
I should have stuck to what I knew
Being without you
I can't imagine anything without you though
I've got to get out of this head before I end up dead

Truths

Truth be told I love you.
I loved you.
I care about you.
I cared about you.
Here it is almost three in the morning and all I can think about is you.
How sick I am because of you.
But I don't have only you to blame.
Me look at me.
You look at her and then you look at me and it all makes sense
I sit and hope, and yes this may sound extremely bitter that you'll know what this feels like.
I cared so much about you in such a little amount of time.
She knows this.
And all I can think is I hope she considers this.
So now you want nothing to do with me because you want to pursue someone so much more beautiful than me.
I just want to forget all about me.
Because you didn't love me.

happiness.

When you've got happiness in hand there just is no time to write about that man.
Then he ripes all of that right out of your hand and here you are again.
Throwing these words up like it'll get you somewhere.
But all you really want is to be nowhere.
He just simply didn't care.
Couldn't care.
And you're the only one to blame.
How you love playing this blame game.
Such a shame. You aren't the best player at this game.

Fish

There is a heart sinking deep into a belly
Sinking how a ship sinks in the deepest sea
There is a head full of fish
Fish of thoughts and questions
Swimming faster than ever and screaming
Who knew fish could scream
They scream because they want to be fed
Fed the answers they seek
But for now those fish are getting ignored
In hopes they might just die
These things are newly consuming one soul
And all it took was one simple question
This soul knew at some point in time this question had to come
But the soul prayed it never would
And if it did come it would have been in a positive way
Soul had found someone who had made it forget
Forget about all the bad, good and lost ones

The Month Away From May

There had been one before you
One that had consumed many thoughts until that first conversation piece with you had started
Now she is hooked like a fish on the most experienced fishers line
Heart and head at moments are telling her the same things
Other moments head says, "Forget all these amazing feelings"
Heart is saying, "There is a reason for this great aching"
But you've got her on "Cloud Nine"
Which is such a plumetting high compared to wanting to be buried six feet under ground emotionally months ago
Here it is this month before May and she is questioning when it is you'll end up disappearing and going away
But this question only lingers in the moments when you are miles away

Distance

The mind can be ever so surprising.
I had thought I was starting to forget all about you.
Get rid of you.
Push you out of my memory.
I had been doing so great for so long.
Then today. A simple day.
There you were.
In my head.
I could've swore you were dead.
There had been moments were I willingly spoke of you.
And lately I had begun to feel nothing when speaking of you.
But today. God how today you made me feel everything without even doing anything.
Ruined such a good Sunday.
I was beginning to not even think of writing about you.
Writings of how I meant nothing to you.
Here I am again. Letting you consume all too much of my time.
Why can't I shake the slightest thought of you today.
Tomorrow I want you to be back in my head the way you had been the past few weeks.
When distant thoughts of you were better than any lusting thoughts of you
I just want to forget all about you now
That used to be the last thing I wanted to do
I am sick of being ruined by you
Consumed by you
I'm exhausted from these thoughts of you
Yet sleep is not insight.
And you should know I am all too over this fight.

Ship sail

All it took was a simple 200 mile journey.
A simple 200 mile journey that had been taken hundreds of times.
It wasn't until a convesation was struck with an important person that this journey made an impact for the girl blooming into a woman.
Two decades plus a year was when her roots started to make sense to her.
She had been struggling lately to understand friendships, hardships, and lack of ships setting sail.
The ships that didn't set sail were just ships that could not handle her steer.

The Haunt

Why is it that you are so haunting to me
You would think I would choose to do everything to distance you from me
But mentally you incase me
There is no escape
I try to not even have a single thought of you trace my mind every day
Every day there you are
Somedays, yes I have done it to myself
Other days like today you did it to me
But there are a few words that have me questioning why it is I am so distraught
What. Who. Why.
What: Is it that you even mean by one simple word and one simple piece of punctuation
Who: Is it that you are even directioning that to
Why: Is it that you just have to choose something so simple to say
I'd like to think you know how this appears to me
But you could careless about me
You didn't even know what you meant to me
Or at least you pretended you didn't
I am still questioning that these days when I think of you

Train

She needs the sounds of the train yards to get her by in this life.
The thought of brush strokes make her feel like puking. But the smell of paint is the sweetest fragrance for her.
The way that spray paint tickles her nose makes her dream harder than when she lays her head to rest.
Even if there are whistling trains in the background. She still dreams the hardest with a scent.
She dreams about all the artists she surrounded herself with.
She has always been one to lust for those that will never love.
And artists are always guilty of this. Their first love is always their expression.
In these dreams she recalls the happiest moments with some of these artists.
She didn't lust all of them physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
But one, she did fall in love with for all the wrong reasons.She shouldn't have ever done such a thing to begin with.
Said to be, Pure lust with all the fixings that follow.
That artist is gone now.

And that is why you find her needing train yard sounds.
Her only friends these days are the train yard guards.
Such an odd friendship.
She has to be toe to rail close with those passing train carts.
The key benefit of these new friends.

Eyes peeled wide waiting for the sight of the slightest unfamiliar paint splash.
Nostrils flared waiting for that scent.
Instead of lusting artists right in hand now she lusts the ones she'll never touch.
How many more experiences she gets all from simple carts traveling across the land.

But those experiences will never replace what those dreams of past hold.
How those dreams bring those artists back.
Especially the one that made brush strokes.
Brush strokes that made her smile the hardest.

Train **pre recreation**

She needs the sounds of the train yards to get her by in this life.
Although the thought of brush strokes make her feel like puking the smell of paint is the sweetest fragrance to her.
She loves standing toes edge against the rail and smelling the newest art encasing those train carts.
You see the way that spray paint tickles her nose it makes her dream harder than when she sleeps.
Dreams tangled with those she lusts for. Constantly lusting for those that will never love.
Artists mainly. Boy how she dreams about those artists she has surrounded herself with.
Dreaming, lusting, and loving those happiest moments experienced with one another.
Don't mistake this lust and love for just sexual attraction.
But there was one that she fell in love with for all the wrong reasons. She shouldn't have ever done such a thing to begin with.
Come and gone now.
With the most meaningful friends miles away now she is findinng herself seeking approval from maybe the oddest group.
The train yard guards.
They hold the key for her to stand toe to rail close when those carts roll in.
Eyes peeled wide open waiting for the newest hint of where these trains have been.
Even the slightest splash of unfamiliar colour gives her new hope.
Nose cleared so she can catch that sent.
Ears empty only in these moments so she can hear that whistle.
These steps make finding relationships with these unknown artists traveling this land so much more concrete.
Cause without paint, lust, love, and trains life just isn't complete.

**I had originally wrote this piece before "Train". I thought I had lost it and had tried recreating it to the best of my ability, but sometimes at 4:00am when you've lost something so amazing you can't manage to find those words again. Thank God I found them.

Knuckle Up

For days within this life she had thought she was just being punished. She thought all the people who were supposed to be her friends, best friends, were forgetting about her. She had often questioned why she was putting herself in situations to be surrounded by them if she always felt this way. And then the one love who would never leave her reassured her these people were in her life for a reason. These drifters per say weren't here to punish her. The situations she put herself in weren't meant to be unrewarding either. If that were the case they would never occur. After all things often seem to happen for reasons. But these situations were meant to teach her something in the end. It took one statement from that never leaving love for this all to click. She had tried forcing herself mentally to think this already but the wisdom that woman spoke sealed it. So sealing like that lick on the envelope before love letters are sent overseas. Everyday still she struggles with facing the changes of abandoned friendships but everyday she knuckles up to learn the meaning behind it.

My life has me signing, sealing, and delivering this letter of resignation.

Resigning from everything I seem to feel is holding me back.

But I am horrible at learning how to let these things go.

I woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed today.
Happens almost everyday.

Finding happiness professionally has been more ideal than happiness personally these days.

How is it that life has reached such things.

I think it’s because I hold so much discomfort towards so many little things in this year.

This year has only just begun. And this year has an expectation from me to have it be better than the year that I even hate whispering the number of.

I hate whispering that number so much but love drowning myself in memories of it.

So much being that I decide to look at pictures of someone almost every day.
This someone now has and wants nothing to do with me.

I also am losing touch with anyone and everyone who meant everything.

Friends of mine said to be best friends are learning how to forget me and I can’t even fathom the thought of never knowing them.

Who knows where we’ll end up.

As hard as I am trying to move on I am still wondering.
I’ll play these what ifs til my death

Best frienemy

I am discovering I must be disillusioned by what I think my relationships and importance within my friendships are.
Not only within my relationships with men romantically but in every relationship I am finding I am nothing but a mere convenience.
Months from now will you remember me. Will you wonder how I am as I wonder how you are my friends. I wish you safe travels. And knowing how I am I will try to check up on you during them and hope for a response
Some days maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. But when I really think about these things I realize it is so much more than that at times.
There is proof to make such things facts.
Truly I want nothing more for things to be the way they were. Why can I just not stomach that they will not be that.
Change has come and I have no welcoming still for it.
Please don’t think I am unhappy for the things you are all getting in your lives. I just wish I could be apart of those lives.
For now I will stick to my books and music that floods my ears.

Inspiration

I fell in love with you in the spring of 2007

Loved you for more than two years.

I will love you for more years.

In the summer of 2009 I fell in love with her.

At least I thought I was in love with her.

I wanted to hold her hand. Cuddle with her. Impress her.

I asked her once to be my date. Mildly joking. She told me I had to court her. Real classic romantic things. Even ask her father for permission. I tried. Then life caught up to me.

The first month of 2010 came. And oddly enough she told me something.
Something involving you.

See in the fall of 2009 right before I told you “I love you and care about you” ; I discovered the two of you knew each other.

I lost you when I told you I loved you and cared about you. But I was already loosing you. You had regretted this love affair for so long. When I lost you I told her.

But this something was that she likes you.

And you like her.

She told truths of how nothing had happened and how you guys truly were nothing.

But she felt the need to tell me. Considering I had told her all about you.
Loving you. Hating loving you. Missing you.
She didn't want to lose me just because of you.

Now I lay here struggling. Struggling to not lose another tear because of you.

Struggling to forget all about you. I want to be happy for you.

But I can’t do that for you.

Now I fear I’ll lose another to you.

I may not love her the way that applied with you but I’ve lost so much to you.

I lost my heart to you in 2007. I want nothing more than to have it back from you

Please don’t make me lose a friend because you had to hold my hand.

RollHer CoastHer

You know when I look in the mirror at these eyelashes that are caked with mascara I remember what smiling feels like.
Lady let your jealousy ensue, but remind you, I do not hate you, I do not grudge you.
Respect, question it when you HAVE actually given it.
Must be beautiful to be that blind about a true friendship.
Blinded by hate.
But can you say why.
Today may just be the breaking day.
You turn the day from a spring sunshine good beat morning to the darkest Alaskan afternoon.
Put a block in the track with us in the cart.
About to drop.
Watch it vier off and two innocent souls tumble out.
See how accomplished you feel then.
I could only pray the guilt would eat you alive from the murder you are attempting to commit.

Vacation.

I just saw the most breath taking photo. Doing things I shouldn’t be doing caused me to see this photo. Heart sank.

Sank deep into this pit and then shot right up into the throat. Oh how sick these moments make one feel.

Happiness was in hand. Then you, I saw you. And it all fell apart. Why am I struggling so hard at getting back my heart. Why.

Circumstances have it that a stadium, a book, a bed, a statue, a shirt, shoes, many pairs of shoes remind me of you. That is why. And truth be told there is so much more than those things that remind me of you.

All those vacations you’ve gotten to have. And all these vacations I haven’t gotten to have. I hate you for being so beautiful to me. Please just get out of me.

I want to go where you’ve been. I want to go where you haven’t ruined.

The things I had felt lately had nothing to do with you. I had been loving forgetting you. Once again I am thinking too much of you.

I was learning to love this city again. Now I don’t even want to feel it’s air on my skin. All because of this one breath taking photo by you.

You and your vacations.

Inamorato

Dearest Love
Remember how we used to spend all those times together pretending like everything was more than it truly was.
A holiday has made things sink right in.
Not in a way of discomfort or sadness.
I don’t even know who you are.
You meant so much to me and I meant so little to you.
Little maybe even nothing.
Nothing.
Odd how I made you everything.
Everything.
So as much as I want to pretend like I hope you’re happy and I’m just too good for you, I know that these statements are lies. But that’s what we do with each other. We lie.
Lie. Lie to ourselves even. Maybe not you but I do. I lie and say maybe one day you’ll get it. Lie and say it meant something more to you than what it did.
Lord I sure must be sick in the head.
Dearest Love the things that you do.